Over the past few days, several people have each, independently, raised me with the topic of disconnecting (Healing 2 in The Essential Healings). It’s a subtle issue so I thought it might be useful to revisit it briefly, hopefully to shed a slightly different light.
Your Vehicle of Disconnection
Fundamentally, disconnection is the way you separate from your ex. A helpful analogy might be to view disconnection as the vehicle you use to go from the realm of being in relationship to the realm of being fully separated.
The vehicle is designed by the choices you make around issues such communication, living arrangements, and all the many other details, small and large, that you make during the time of breakup.
One of the difficulties with disconnecting lies in the fact that the journey from one realm to another has a number of layers to it. The outer aspects of disconnection – such as if, how and when you communicate with your ex – have an impact on internal aspects such as emotional attachment, but they’re not the same thing.
Disconnecting emotionally is more than just not talking to your ex. There’s an inner de-coupling that needs to happen, and this is a highly individualised process. One person may be emotionally free of their ex within a few days, another might not get there for considerably longer. Nor is the journey necessarily a straight road – there can be all manner of diversions, road blocks and hold-ups!
There are so many variables that making hard and fast rules about what your journey will contain would be useless. But there is one constant: consciously working to detach emotions will speed up the process of disconnection, often by a massive amount. Waiting for ‘time to heal’ is the slow boat to separation!
And it’s worth bearing in mind that the destination of breakup is always the same: a new realm in which your former partner is not involved.
The basic axiom here is that the sooner you move into that new realm with heart and energy, then the sooner you can fulfil your potential within it. A poorly built vehicle of disconnection, designed without thought or attention, will, at the very least, cause a long delay in getting there.
So design your vehicle well. Build it with integrity and compassion. Build it with constancy, generosity and clarity. And above all, build it consciously.